Mike was kind enough to let me squat here for the day. My bloggy home is located across the river from his, in Ottawa. Around here we say that Mike lives on the “dark side” of the National Capital Region. He lives in (cue suspenseful music) Gatineau. (Barage of girly screams!) Let me tell you what I know about Gatineau. It is made up of three parts the nice classy part where Mike lives, the middle and Hell*.
When I was in my teens, Hell was the place to be. The legal drinking age is 18 over in Quebec**, AND (very importantly) they’d serve anyone who looked like they might possibly be even remotely close to 18 within the next five, 10, or 15 years. Not that I would know really. I was good girl and I never EVER break the law. Nor would I sneak out to go drinking. Nope I think fake ID is a moral outrage. Me — I’m all about obey societal norms and laws, I wear my seatbelt and never go over the speed limit. I would never ever tell my parents I was sleeping at Roseanne’s place and sneak out. Rumours from 1987 that a girl dressed entirely in black, who looked just like me, was in the corner making out with the blond biker guy who looked like Keifer Sutherland from Lost Boys were simply not true. Me, I was sitting at home reading the Bible.
But like little old me, things change and evolve. Some for the better. I’m not even sure the kids still feel the need to go to Hell. Well, mine will, but you know mainly because he’s got bad parents, he was born out of wedlock, and he’s not baptized. I believe there is not redemption for a sinner by happenstance like that.
Over the last few years, Gatineau has seemed a little bit darker. We’re not sure when it happen. I wonder if Mike has seen it. It’s no longer dingy bars smelling like teen spirit and $2.50 pints, it’s more Uncle Fester and his machete hiding in the closet plotting to kill us dark. In fact, my coworker’s brother’s wife’s sister-law’s friend says she knows a guy who went to Gatineau looking for cheap aluminum siding… and never returned. Something about Somber things…
Oddily as I write this, I see that today Gatineau seems brighter today. Not quite so menacing. A place I’d let my kids play. But I just saw a news report from Dakar. Seems they are being plagued by the Gatineau shadows. (As well as a drop in their bandwidth.) Probably just some odd weather patterns, causing electrical issues right? It doesn’t mean anything? Can’t be…
When did he say he was coming back? If you’ll excuse me… I have to go to Canadian Tire and buy a shot gun. I think may have said too much.
*This may be a bit of a typo for effect. It’s called Hull.
** Pronunciation is Kaybeck… not Kweebec.
*** Ottawa not Washington.