Day: May 13, 2011

Bumpin’ Uglies

There are not a lot of things I really hate in this World.

Camping is on top of that list, of course. Shut up, camping is a “thing”. I hate it.

Most mornings, I walk through a Shopping Mall to get to work. The whole thing lasts maybe 2-3 minutes (that’s what she said), and is always a dreadful experience (that’s… well you get it.).

Anyways. I have this thing. I hate walking in a crowd. A crowd of uncoordinated morons, half asleep because they didn’t have their morning caffeine yet, randomly zig-zagging, stopping, turning, backing up…

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not the fastest walker ever. I don’t even like walking that much. But I know how to walk in a straight line. I learned the value of being predictable when I walk with / around other people. I know that because I constantly check. For example, this always happens to me:

If I walk with another person to go grab lunch, a coffee, get a new car, the other person will always end up making me go off the sidewalk, brush a wall, etc. I know it’s not me, because once the person is actually touching my shoulder, I’ll change side this will happen:

So regardless of the side I walk on, I always manage to attract the other person. I did the math*, even my near 300-pound gorilla body should not exert that much gravitational pull on another human being. You can imagine what happens when I try to walk in a crowd of people coming and going, half asleep, not paying attention to what they’re doing and their surroundings.

I bump into a lot of people.

Let me rephrase that.

I use to bump into a lot of people. Now I tackle a lot of people. I’m not saying I dive in their knees or clothesline them – did I ever mentioned I used to play football? – but I’m like an anvil wrapped in a thick cushy fat layer. If you brush against me you’ll be fine, but if you hit me head-on and manage to reach the hard core – hahaha like there’s one! – it’s like hitting a padded cell wall. It may be padded, but it’s still a wall.

Especially nowadays, since I’m completely fed-up with trying to avoid all the idiots walking through the Mall, so I won’t make any kind of effort to get out of your way. This was seriously getting ridiculous, you should’ve seen me looking like a monkey on crack dodging, weaving, side-stepping people. that 3 minute walk through the mall was kinda like a 90 minute workout. It’s like I was the Prince of Persia, I swear.

If you’re texting and walking at the same time? Odds are you will hit me because I won’t move. You’re looking to your right and moving to your left? You’ll hit me. By the way, you’ll be surprised how many people actually do that, moving in a direction they don’t look. You stop dead at the top of the escalator? I’ll walk through you. You suddenly stop for no reason? I’ll plow in your back.

Anyways, I was walking through the Mall the other afternoon, thinking about this post. How was I going to do the line graphics, would I look for a Mall floor plan, and mostly how was I going to find the perfect ending. Then I had this “You got to be shittin’ me!” moment, the perfect ending offered on a silver platter. You will never guess what I saw, walking towards me on a perfect collision course.

A Fucking Juggler.

I kid you not. A guy was actually walking through the crowd – while juggling balls. I was too dumbfounded to take a picture, but I swear I’m not making that up. I of course started to giggle like a fool, imagining how things like that only happen to me, and how absolutely no one would ever believe me.

I didn’t even help him pick up his balls.

* Not really