Drunk Blogging

I drink for a reason*

*This post has nothing to do with the book by that same title, I drink for a reason, written by David Cross – The extremely funny analrapist Tobias Fünke from Arrested Development. But you really should buy this book. Funny as Hell.

I love that show. Bring it back.

This post is about tech support. Let me present to you the life cycle of a support request.

Initial contact – 00:00 hours in the cycle

Client: “HI. I have an issue fix it NOW. THIS REQUESSSST IS URGEN! NOW FIX IT.!”

Initial reply – 00:02 hours in the cycle

Tech Support: “Hello. I need more details in order to help you. Can you provide me with (list of items to provide). Sincerely, Me.”

Follow up – 24:00 hours in the cycle

Tech Support: “Hello. You opened help request #12345 yesterday. I am waiting for (list of items to provide). If this issue has been resolved through other channels, please let us know and I’ll close this help request. All the best, Me.”

Follow-up – 48:00 hours in the cycle

Tech Support: “Hello. You opened help request #12345 48 hours ago. I am still waiting for (list of items to provide), and am not able to help you without that information. Please contact me by phone at your earliest convenience to resolve this matter. If your issue has been resolved through other channels, please let me know and I’ll close this help request. My direct phone number is (gives phone number). All the best, Me.”

Follow-up – 168:00 in the cycle

Tech Support: “Hello. This is the third follow-up on case #12345. Your help request has been pending for 7 days. If I don’t hear back from you within 24 hours, I will close the incident. (Lists all contact information). Best, Me.”

Closing the incident – 192:00 in the cycle

Tech Support: “I am closing incident #12345. I have been without any reply from you for 8 days, I will assume this issue has been solved by other channels. If this issue has been resolved, simply ignore this message. If you are still experiencing the issue described in the original request, simply reply to this email including the requested information in my initial reply. Have a nice day, Me.”

Client wakes up – 192:01 hours in the cycle

Client: “You CLOse this? Why???? Problem not fix! Crappy service! Fix problem NOW! NOOOOW! I,m getting beind in my education Bcause of U!”

Here we go again – 192:02 hours in the cycle

Tech Support: “Hello. I need more details in order to help you. Can you provide me with (list of items to provide). Sincerely, Me.”

Hit send, bang head on desk, pour drink, repeat.

+++++

Show of hands: who thinks I’m kidding?

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With a little help from my friends

What would you think if I sang out of tune,
Would you stand up and walk out on me.
Lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song,
And I’ll try not to sing out of key.
Oh I get by with a little help from my friends,
Mmm,I get high with a little help from my friends,
Mmm, I’m gonna try with a little help from my friends.

Do you need anybody?
I need somebody to love.
Could it be anybody?
I want somebody to love.

What do I do when my love is away.
(Does it worry you to be alone)
How do I feel by the end of the day
(Are you sad because you’re on your own)
No, I get by with a little help from my friends,
Mmm, get high with a little help from my friends,
Mmm, gonna to try with a little help from my friends

Do you need anybody?
I need somebody to love.
Could it be anybody?
I want somebody to love.

Would you believe in a love at first sight?
Yes I’m certain that it happens all the time.
What do you see when you turn out the light?
I can’t tell you, but I know it’s mine.
Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends,
Mmm I get high with a little help from my friends,
Oh, I’m gonna try with a little help from my friends

Do you need anybody?
I just need someone to love.
Could it be anybody?
I want somebody to love

Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends,
Mmm, gonna try with a little help from my friends
Ooh, I get high with a little help from my friends
Yes I get by with a little help from my friends,
with a little help from my friends.

Auld Lang Syne

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
and never brought to mind ?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
and auld lang syne ?

For auld lang syne, my jo,
for auld lang syne,
we’ll tak a cup o’ kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.

And surely ye’ll be your pint-stowp !
and surely I’ll be mine !
And we’ll tak a cup o’ kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.

We twa hae run about the braes,
and pu’d the gowans fine ;
But we’ve wander’d mony a weary fit,
sin auld lang syne.

We twa hae paidl’d i’ the burn,
frae morning sun till dine ;
But seas between us braid hae roar’d
sin auld lang syne.

And there’s a hand, my trusty fiere !
and gie’s a hand o’ thine !
And we’ll tak a right gude-willy waught,
for auld lang syne.

How did you celebrate Rabbie Burns day? You did celebrate, right?

My douchey skill

A few days ago, my friend Avitable took a man test.

The test is a series of fifty skills that a man should possess in order to call himself a man. Well, not all of them, there’s some sort of math to be applied to your results.

Anyways.

The skill at number thirty-nine is: Choose a scotch/whiskey.

Here’s what Adam wrote about this skill:

I don’t drink either, and I think that choosing a good bottle of wine would be a much less douchey skill.

I was a little surprised. I couldn’t believe that someone would spell Scotch and Whisky like that.

Ok, that’s douchey, but it has nothing to do with choosing a Scotch, right? 😉

Here’s what I replied:

One day, we’ll duel over this.

So, here’s how I would choose a Scotch:

I’ll have this one please.

I’ve been trying to make that sound douchey, and I really can’t find a way to do that. Maybe if I get a top hat, some sort of shirt with lace cuffs and quite possibly a monocle? Then I could say:

Excuse me my good man, I would like to give you some money in exchange for a Dram of that delicious Scotch – in a clean glass.

Yeah, that sounds a little douchey. But is there really someone who does that? Except Avitable I mean. 😉

Scotch?

Following yesterday’s post where I mentioned:

When I drive into work, I park in the underground garage for 12$ a day. Now in a corner of the garage, there’s this cylinder pipe sticking out about a foot out of the ground. Is it wrong that whenever I drive by that pipe I think: “Why would someone leave a Bowmore 12 years in that corner?”. Maybe that bullet would work better with pictures. Can you see it in your head?

I then posted that picture of delicious alcohol.

Here’s the actual drain pipe sticking out of the parking lot.

Makes sense now? 😉