I’m not blogging today because I’m having sex. That’s right, the whole day. Oh wait.
Drats. I’m telling you this “Summer of Love” is really misleading.
Yikes, it’s February 1! How did that happen? Fortunately, I was just reading Poppy’s blog and saw that she was guest posting here yesterday and remembers – Hey, I’M supposed to guest blog at Mike’s, too. And hey, that’s on February 1. And hey, that’s, um, TODAY! Which led me to ask, “Do they even have blogs in Canada?”
So thank you, Poppy! I’ve always loved her pwnies and swallows.
So I’m Karl and Mike (that’s Michelle in Canadian) basically begged me to guest blog here while he’s on safari in Africa. OK, maybe I begged him, but I figured while he’s hunting and skinning baby lions, he’d need all the help he could get at LeSombre.
I’ve been to Canada twice, and when I was a kid I watched virtually anything and everything Bob & Doug McKenzie, so I’m pretty much an expert on all things Great White North.
Canadians have a big red maple leave as their country’s flag, which is sort of like if we States folks had a blade of grass on our flag. Still, you might be surprised to learn a number of facts about Canada.
- Canada was founded in 1943 by Jonathan Toque, who accidentally went over the border when he was in Buffalo, New York, to use the bathroom against a maple tree. Suddenly, he realized he was in another country and decided to stay and become King.
- Incidentally, that’s where the Canadian hat’s name comes from, the toque. They prefer to spell it “tuque,” though, because if there’s anything Canadian’s love, it’s the letter “u.” They’re in love with extraneous vowels of any sort, really. That’s why in Canada, the country’s name is actually Caaanuadiaaa.
- Canada is like twice the size of Texas. Pretty big, in other words. It’d take you approximately 16 days of walking to make it from the eastern coast of Nova Scotia to the western coast of, um, Toronto.
- It snows every day in Canada and the temperature rarely gets above 0 degrees Fahrenheit. Babies usually pop out of their moms already wearing parkas and mittens. And you don’t have to cut the umbilical cord, either. You just smack it with a spatula and it shatters.
- Canadia rocques. They’ve produced some amazing musical artists in their almost 70 years of existence. Rush, of course. And also the Barenaked Ladies – who I’ve seen 9 times in concert – and Sarah Maclaughailainoue. We don’t count Celine Dion, though, who is currently wanted for Crimes Against the State of Canada.
- Hockey was invented in Canada by a bunch of angry white dudes who were ice fishing with sticks. When they realized that every fish they caught was frozen solid, they started batting them around the ice with said sticks. The rest is history.
- There’s a small French club in Canada that consists of thirteen members. They’re known as the French Canadians. Mike is one of these wimpy Canadians who like to look down their noses at all the non-French-speaking people. It’s amazing he let me guest blog here, now that I think about it.
- French currency comes straight out of the Monopoly game. It’s all funny looking and each bill is a different color with people you wouldn’t even recognize on the face. They have wacky coins, too, that have names like “Looney,” “Tooney,” and “Flippatoppawoony.” It’s all pretty much worthless, except in Tim Horton shops and this odd store called Canada Tire, which sells everything except for tires, oddly enough.
- Tim Horton’s real name was Timothy Horton Dunkin, who founded Dunkin Donuts in the United States and moved to Canada after losing a bet during a curling match.
- By the way, Canadian housewives invented the “sport” of curling while they were sweeping an ice rink for their hockey-playing husbands. How curling became an Olympic sport is anyone’s guess.
- The national animal of Canada is the beaver. Their national bird is the vajayjay.
- “Anne of Green Gables” takes place on Canada’s Prince Edward Island, and is the story of some little Canadian waif who became the country’s leading porn star.
- Canada has approximately 1,467 political parties and each citizen is allowed to vote 1,467 times per election. This makes Canadian elections last a very long time with around 1,467 runoffs every election cycle. They still don’t have a Prime Minister.
There, that’s pretty much everything I know about Canada. Good thing I paid attention in ninth grade. Or should I say Grade 9?
In 6 days, I leave for Africa
In 6 hours, I have to give a finished document that’s sucking the life out of me.
In 6 minutes, I have to post something on my blog.
So you’re getting this lame post.
In other news
Karl has special requested a guest post spot while I’ll be away. So Feb 1st is officially his to use and abuse.
That is the not lame part. 😉
Apologies to Sheila, I promised you a dedicated post. Like you said, I just didn’t have enough time to put all you awesomeness on virtual paper before the midnight deadline. I’ll make it up to you somehow.
In one hour!
SecondHand Radio with Karl and special guest me!