Blackboard

Lemon Comanche

I’m thinking about implementing this at work. Do you think I can get away with it?

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Help Wanted

Yesterday I had to give a presentation on our services, and it basically went like this:

  • 2:00PM: Hi, here’s my card. Please don’t use my email to ask for technical help.
  • 2:05PM: Here’s our website and this is where you can ask for help.
  • 2:15PM: Here’s the web form that you have to complete to ask for help. The other option is this phone number.
  • 2:27PM: You input your credentials here. If you have an issue with your credentials, fill the web form or call the phone number I gave you.
  • 2:43PM: If at any point of this procedure you’re having trouble, ask for help through the web form or the phone number.
  • 2:50PM: Do you have any questions?
  • 2:50PM: Q: How do I get help from your service? A: Use the web form or this phone number to ask for help.
  • 2:57PM: Q: What if I don’t remember my credentials? A: Use the web form or this phone number to ask for help.
  • 3:22PM: Q: Is there an easier way to get help than filling out a form or calling a phone number? A: No.

Then this happened at 5:46PM. I get this email.

Hi I just met you this afternoon,
And this is crazy.
But I have a technical problem,
So help me maybe?

I’m paraphrasing of course.

I wish I could tell you that I’m making this up, but you know I’m not. I wish I could tell you that this is the shortest time ever between “Don’t use my email for technical help” and receiving an email asking for technical help, but you know it isn’t.

Enemy at the Gates

The opening scenes of the movie Enemy At The Gates features a sequence in which the main character arrives at the docks on Stalingrad in late 1942, and is promptly queued up in front of a truck, in which Commissars are issuing rifles and ammunition to the conscripts.

The catch is, that only every other soldier is getting a rifle. The Commissars are usually saying something like “One man gets the rifle, the next man gets some bullets. The second man follows the man with the rifle, and when he is shot, picks up the rifle and carries on fighting!”

That’s exactly how I feel at work right now.

Hopefully I won’t get shot. But if I am, I hope someone will carry on fighting.

I drink for a reason*

*This post has nothing to do with the book by that same title, I drink for a reason, written by David Cross – The extremely funny analrapist Tobias Fünke from Arrested Development. But you really should buy this book. Funny as Hell.

I love that show. Bring it back.

This post is about tech support. Let me present to you the life cycle of a support request.

Initial contact – 00:00 hours in the cycle

Client: “HI. I have an issue fix it NOW. THIS REQUESSSST IS URGEN! NOW FIX IT.!”

Initial reply – 00:02 hours in the cycle

Tech Support: “Hello. I need more details in order to help you. Can you provide me with (list of items to provide). Sincerely, Me.”

Follow up – 24:00 hours in the cycle

Tech Support: “Hello. You opened help request #12345 yesterday. I am waiting for (list of items to provide). If this issue has been resolved through other channels, please let us know and I’ll close this help request. All the best, Me.”

Follow-up – 48:00 hours in the cycle

Tech Support: “Hello. You opened help request #12345 48 hours ago. I am still waiting for (list of items to provide), and am not able to help you without that information. Please contact me by phone at your earliest convenience to resolve this matter. If your issue has been resolved through other channels, please let me know and I’ll close this help request. My direct phone number is (gives phone number). All the best, Me.”

Follow-up – 168:00 in the cycle

Tech Support: “Hello. This is the third follow-up on case #12345. Your help request has been pending for 7 days. If I don’t hear back from you within 24 hours, I will close the incident. (Lists all contact information). Best, Me.”

Closing the incident – 192:00 in the cycle

Tech Support: “I am closing incident #12345. I have been without any reply from you for 8 days, I will assume this issue has been solved by other channels. If this issue has been resolved, simply ignore this message. If you are still experiencing the issue described in the original request, simply reply to this email including the requested information in my initial reply. Have a nice day, Me.”

Client wakes up – 192:01 hours in the cycle

Client: “You CLOse this? Why???? Problem not fix! Crappy service! Fix problem NOW! NOOOOW! I,m getting beind in my education Bcause of U!”

Here we go again – 192:02 hours in the cycle

Tech Support: “Hello. I need more details in order to help you. Can you provide me with (list of items to provide). Sincerely, Me.”

Hit send, bang head on desk, pour drink, repeat.

+++++

Show of hands: who thinks I’m kidding?

Weirdest phone call ever

DRRRING!

– LeSombre, Good morning!

 

– Hi. I’ve been given your name.

– Ok, what can I do for you?

– I need help.

– How can I help you today?

– Somebody told me you could help me.

– Of course. How can I help you?

– I need help.

(Client is speaking to someone else while covering the mouthpiece)

– Who gave you my name?

– I would like to speak to someone who is willing to help me.

– …

– [Client gives me the person’s name]

– Okay. What can I do for you?

– [Person] gave me a bunch of documents.

– …

– I don’t understand what to do with them.

– …

– I’ve been hired yesterday.

– Do you know where our lab is? You can come in anytime you want and a technician will help you and answer all your questions.

– No, I don’t know.

– We’re in MacDonald Hall, 3rd floor, room 328.

– That is fairly vague.

– Excuse me?

(client starts yelling)

– THAT! IS! FAIRLY! VAAAAAGUE!

– …

– THANK YOU AND HAVE A NICE DAY.

(Click)

Seriously, WTF?

Disclaimer: This didn’t happen today. I was just going through old emails and found this gem.

A Cryptic Post

If I’m ever on fire, rolling on the floor, crying and waving my arms around… Please consider it implied that I want you to put the fire out.

Don’t tell me I wasn’t clear enough about telling you I wanted the fire out because I didn’t actually say: “Please with a cherry on top, would you be kind enough to put those pesky flames out please?”.

Not that there’s anything wrong with flaming every once in a while. But burning alive is another thing.

Mitchell: “Look at that. Two things flaming at once.”

In 94 days.