Bumpin’ Uglies

There are not a lot of things I really hate in this World.

Camping is on top of that list, of course. Shut up, camping is a “thing”. I hate it.

Most mornings, I walk through a Shopping Mall to get to work. The whole thing lasts maybe 2-3 minutes (that’s what she said), and is always a dreadful experience (that’s… well you get it.).

Anyways. I have this thing. I hate walking in a crowd. A crowd of uncoordinated morons, half asleep because they didn’t have their morning caffeine yet, randomly zig-zagging, stopping, turning, backing up…

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not the fastest walker ever. I don’t even like walking that much. But I know how to walk in a straight line. I learned the value of being predictable when I walk with / around other people. I know that because I constantly check. For example, this always happens to me:

If I walk with another person to go grab lunch, a coffee, get a new car, the other person will always end up making me go off the sidewalk, brush a wall, etc. I know it’s not me, because once the person is actually touching my shoulder, I’ll change side this will happen:

So regardless of the side I walk on, I always manage to attract the other person. I did the math*, even my near 300-pound gorilla body should not exert that much gravitational pull on another human being. You can imagine what happens when I try to walk in a crowd of people coming and going, half asleep, not paying attention to what they’re doing and their surroundings.

I bump into a lot of people.

Let me rephrase that.

I use to bump into a lot of people. Now I tackle a lot of people. I’m not saying I dive in their knees or clothesline them – did I ever mentioned I used to play football? – but I’m like an anvil wrapped in a thick cushy fat layer. If you brush against me you’ll be fine, but if you hit me head-on and manage to reach the hard core – hahaha like there’s one! – it’s like hitting a padded cell wall. It may be padded, but it’s still a wall.

Especially nowadays, since I’m completely fed-up with trying to avoid all the idiots walking through the Mall, so I won’t make any kind of effort to get out of your way. This was seriously getting ridiculous, you should’ve seen me looking like a monkey on crack dodging, weaving, side-stepping people. that 3 minute walk through the mall was kinda like a 90 minute workout. It’s like I was the Prince of Persia, I swear.

If you’re texting and walking at the same time? Odds are you will hit me because I won’t move. You’re looking to your right and moving to your left? You’ll hit me. By the way, you’ll be surprised how many people actually do that, moving in a direction they don’t look. You stop dead at the top of the escalator? I’ll walk through you. You suddenly stop for no reason? I’ll plow in your back.

Anyways, I was walking through the Mall the other afternoon, thinking about this post. How was I going to do the line graphics, would I look for a Mall floor plan, and mostly how was I going to find the perfect ending. Then I had this “You got to be shittin’ me!” moment, the perfect ending offered on a silver platter. You will never guess what I saw, walking towards me on a perfect collision course.

A Fucking Juggler.

I kid you not. A guy was actually walking through the crowd – while juggling balls. I was too dumbfounded to take a picture, but I swear I’m not making that up. I of course started to giggle like a fool, imagining how things like that only happen to me, and how absolutely no one would ever believe me.

I didn’t even help him pick up his balls.

* Not really

You should see my balls

Tuesday I played my first round of golf since 2007.

What? You didn’t think This was about golf? Oh well. 😉

You know what I like about playing golf? It’s not the open air, the walking, the carrying of the bag, the joy you feel when I do an awesome shot or the smell of the freshly cut grass.

What I like about playing golf is the running commentary in my head. Because you see, I also watch golf on TV. If you don’t, you should really give it a shot after you’re done reading this. If you already do, you might never listen to TV golf the same way.

Golf is by far the televised sport with the most innuendo. Even hockey can’t come close to golf. If you watch hockey, you know hockey has these gems:

  • He got good wood on this shot!
  • Chara is really tall, you should see the size of his stick!
  • That puck went in, he found the hole!
  • He rams in in the boards!

Anyways. Watching golf on TV, you hear these:

  • This is by far the hardest hole to master on this course.
  • He went up and down on the hole in the previous rounds.
  • That was an awesome stroke, his ball is so close to the hole!
  • Look at the flex on his shaft! (While watching a hit is slo-mo)
  • The holes in the back are proving to be easier then the ones in the front.
  • He was really attacking the hole.
  • The placement of the hole at the back is really tricky.
  • He’s giving his ball a gentle tap.
  • His ball is resting on the lip.
  • This bush is in play.
  • He will be happy with that lie.
  • There’s not much of a landing strip.

All of these are verbatim from the 2009 Buick Open Golf Tournament.

Give golf a listen. You’ll see.